How your parts are running the show…and you’re not aware of it

Jo Green
Jul 26
3 min read

When you snapped and didn’t know why.

When you said yes even though your whole body was screaming no.

When you spiralled for hours in your head and couldn’t seem to step out of it.

These are the moments we often brush off or explain away.

I was just tired.

I’m a people-pleaser, it’s just how I am.

I don’t handle things like other people do.

These kinds of identity-level beliefs are sneaky. They keep us stuck.

Because if that’s just who we are, how do we change? It can feel impossible.

What you might not know is that there’s more going on under the surface….

In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we talk about parts. Not because you’re broken or fragmented, because this is how we all work.

IFS holds the belief that we’re all born with many parts. Every single part has a positive intention for us. They want to protect us, help us belong, avoid pain, or stay safe.

As we go through life, especially through painful or overwhelming experiences, these parts adapt. They start to take on more extreme protective roles. Their beliefs get shaped by what they’ve seen and felt.

A part that once helped you get love by staying quiet might now shut you down in every meeting.

A part that learned mistakes weren’t safe might push for perfection and never let you rest.

A part that kept the peace in a chaotic home might still say yes to everything, even when you’re exhausted.

They may be stuck in old strategies, but they’re not trying to harm you.

There are no bad parts, and we’re not trying to get rid of anything.

We’re simply learning to understand these parts, so they can let go of their extreme roles and support us in more helpful ways.

Alongside these parts, IFS also teaches that we each have a Self.

That calm, compassionate, curious core that is always there - no matter what.

When Self is leading, there’s more space, more choice, and more peace.

So how do we shift from being led by parts… to leading from Self?

As with everything, it starts with awareness. Slowing down enough to notice.

That moment you feel yourself bracing, tightening, shutting down. That flare of anger. That “I should…” voice in your head. Instead of acting from that part, what if you paused… and got curious?

You might ask:

What part of me is speaking right now?

What is it worried would happen if I didn’t do this?

How do I feel toward this part? Can I meet it with compassion, or am I fused with it?

Even asking those questions can begin to create space.

Space for choice. For compassion.

For you - the real you - to lead instead.

When we start to see our parts and work with them, everything softens.

We stop blaming ourselves.

We stop over-identifying with behaviours that aren’t the whole story.

And we start living from Self….that calm, grounded, wise place within all of us.

This isn’t about fixing anything. You’re not broken.